Days Like These

I am having a tough time keeping up with my personal journal. I thought that if I could type something in an organized format, I could keep track of my life for myself when my memory fails or "being too close to the subject" warps my perspective. That is why I'm starting this blog. And also, I want to keep in touch with my family. I'm not much of a writer, creative but distracted. However, I have a lot to say and no one close to me that has time to listen. Since it all gets stuck in my head and is cluttering my mind, I'll attempt to release my thoughts through the keyboard.

Wish me luck!


Ever suffer from unrealistic expectations, either self-imposed, from those you associate with, or the media in general? Lately I have lost my sense of reality and have fallen head first (and am still falling) into the world of "health and fitness." This actually translates to the unrealistic expectations of vanity and youth. Working with teenage girls and the general public and also having to deal with an opinionated, vocal loved one has recently lead me to believe that the only worth I have or should aspire to is outstanding beauty and physical youthful perfection.

As you can probably already guess, I'm far from this in my currect state. I gave birth to our third child a little more than a year ago. Things are not returning to "normal" as quickly as I had hoped. Enduring my third palandromic birthday hasn't helped. Age and the number of children play a role in this delay, I'm sure. But, as I've heard a lot about lately, so does my lack of physical exercise and not paying attention to my body's increasing needs. I work nights, and therefore don't get a lot of regular sleep. I sustain my conciousness mostly through the nearly constant drizzle of Mountain Dew (my husband says I need an IV of the stuff.) It's starting to show, shall we say.

Having three kids leaves little time for me. I even feel a little tinge of guilt when I take time from them to do something for me. This means the basics are being overlooked to say nothing of the extras such as nail polish and jewelry. Heck, I'm lucky to even shower some days. There was a time not so long ago where this didn't bother me much because I knew I was doing something important (raising my family.) I can't say exactly when all of that changed, but I'm acutely aware of the deficit right now.

Where is all of this leading? It's depressing, not challenging. In my efforts to revamp my image, I've only met with disappointment. See, all the money in the world can't reverse time. It's never going to be good enough, is it? I'm overwhelmed with the impossibilites. So here I sit...typing instead of treadmilling. Drinking Dew instead of water. Hunched over and Indian-style instead of postural perfection.

I guess that all I really need is to get it through my head that even a little improvement is better than this. And if nothing else, at least my efforts will provide a healthy springboard for my children instead of witnessing age-related atrophy.